TextDownloadThe Christmas Pickle By Deadweight Ramstein Air Base in Germany, the week before Christmas is particularly busy. Soldiers busily attend to their tasks in preparation for holiday leave, hoping they don’t get stuck on skeleton crew detail. Airman Daniels is doing inventory when an MP comes to find him. “Daniels, Brig wants to see you. Double time!” Daniels curses under his breath, an audience with the Brigadier General can only mean he is getting stuck with some shit detail, so much for hitting on blondes at the biergarten. Daniels crosses the base with a somber look and slouched shoulders, like a beaten dog. Brigadier General Maxwell Bancroft is a no nonsense man and he runs the base like a tight ship, as Daniels enters the officers quarters he can feel his dread increasing. Daniels takes a deep breath and opens the door to Bancroft’s office. “Sir, Airman Daniels reporting, Sir.” Bancroft looks up from his desk with a judgemental gaze, as if assessing Daniels with a glance. “At ease Airman, sit down. I’ve been going over your record son and I must say it’s impeccable. I have an important assignment for you over the holiday.” Daniels chokes back a groan as Bancroft reaches under his desk and pulls out a pet carrier. He sits confused and then shocked when Bancroft pulls out a red fluffy with a blue and white streaked mane. “This is Rommel, I recently acquired him online. Say what you want about fluffies but he is a loyal and caring companion and has gotten me through some long nights of paperwork and solitude. The airport won’t let me transport him out of country though and he is stuck here for the holidays. Say hello, Rommel.” Daniels is surprised to say the least to find out Bancroft owns a fluffy, Rommel looks up at him and wags his tail. “Hewwo mistuh! Wommew happy tu meetchu!” Bancroft gives Rommel a treat and he happily eats it as he pets him. “I need someone to stay on base to watch Rommel while I’m gone and I’m hoping you are the right man for the job.” Daniels just wants to scream out in objection, but he grits his teeth and resigns himself to his fate. “Sir, you can count on me, Sir.” -------------------------------- Three days later, Bancroft leaves on his flight, Daniels’ duty begins. He sits in his assigned quarters and opens the pet carrier, Rommel sheepishly steps out and looks around. “Dis pwace am smaww, not wike daddehs pwace. Mistuh Daniews gun be nyu fwiend?” Daniels rolls his eyes and sighs, already regretting this. “Yeah, sure. Friends. Just make sure you go in the litterbox and don’t you dare leave my sight when we are out of the room. Got it?” Rommel blinks his orange eyes and then smiles and nods. “Siw, yus siw!” Rommel giggles and does a sloppy salute, a trick he picked up from watching Bancroft discipline the enlisted men. Daniels smirks despite himself and then runs over his duties, he had been given some fluff work since he is on babysitting detail. “Ok then, now let’s get going to the mess hall to help decorate.” Daniels walks the hall with Rommel close on his heels, getting funny looks and muffled snickers from other airmen as he goes. Some of them were pissed at him for getting cushy details because of his duty, but babysitting a generals fluffy is no fun and games. They arrive at the mess hall where several others work hanging garlands and scrubbing everything. “Daniels! Bout time you got here, we got a lot of work to do.” Peterson, a short brunette woman in fatigues beckons him over, Rommel right behind him. As they approach, several chuckle or point. “Nice shadow you got there, Daniels.” Rommel looks at them quizzically and Daniels sighs. “Yeah yeah, get it out of your systems. Can we just decorate this damn tree?” They set about decorating the eight foot tree and sharing laughs and stories, Daniels has to admonish Rommel once for eating the popcorn string but he is well behaved after that. He drags a few bulbs and garlands over to the others, the airmen begin to warm up to him and they move about the task quickly. Finally, they get the star on top and are gathered around admiring their work when Finch gets their attention. “Hey, who is gonna hide the pickle?” They all look over and quickly touch their noses, Daniels the last to react. SHIT! “Well so much for the extra present this year.” They all give him a good ribbing before leaving the hall to let Daniels do the deed. Rommel follows closely and watches as Daniels opens an ornate box and pulls out a pickle shaped ornament. “Wut dat, mistuh Daniews? Cwunchy nummy fow Wommew?” Daniels chuckles as he carefully carries the little bobble to the tree. “No, it’s a German tradition. You hide a pickle in the tree and whoever finds it first, gets an extra present. Won’t be me this year since I’m stuck hiding it.” Rommel’s eyes sparkle as he watches the ornament closely. “Magic cwunchy nummy?” Daniels smirks and nods. “Sure, magic pickle. Now no peeking while I hide it.” Rommel covers his eyes with his hooves as Daniels finds a good hiding spot for the pickle. “Ok, all hidden, they’ll never find it!” Rommel sits and looks at the tree, his eyes scanning every branch in search of the pickle. “Come on, Rommel. More stuff to do today.” Rommel takes one more look at the tree and then turns to follow Daniels. “Gun find dat magic cwunchy nummy.” --------------------------------- Days pass and Daniels continues his duties, Rommel follows him everywhere drawing more snickers and jokes from the other airmen. Every time they enter the mess hall, Rommel sits and stares at the tree looking for the pickle. Daniels carries a box of supplies to the kitchen and shakes his head with a chuckle. “Give it up, Rommel. You’ll never find it!” Rommel looks at Daniels with his cheeks puffed. “Yus wiww! Wommew wan magic cwunchy nummy! Nu gun gif up!” Daniels smiles and continues on his duty, Rommel sits there over an hour before being called away to follow Daniels. They move all over the base keeping busy like everyone else, the last flight out for those with leave takes off that afternoon and the base is at minimal staffing now. Daniels swings by the motor pool later that day and drops of a box of parts. “Hey Daniels! You coming by the party tonight? Johnson made a batch of his hooch, shits good for cleaning engine grease and killing brain cells.” Daniels looks over at Eckers and shrugs. “Dunno man, I still got babysitting details and shit to do. But save a glass for me in case.” The two share a nod before Daniels heads off with Rommel in tow. ------------------------------------------------ The day passes by quickly, the base is quiet as night closes in. Daniels had made several more stops through the mess hall during the day and each time, Rommel sits and looks for the pickle. Daniels is reading on his tablet in his quarters as Rommel munches on some romaine lettuce when a knock comes at the door. “Daniels, get your ass up and come party!” Nicks opens the door with a bottle of hooch and encourages him to join him. Daniels sighs and looks at Rommel who wags his blue and white tail. “Well, ok. But I gotta bring Rommel, so let’s keep an eye on him. Come on, Rommel. We’re gonna go meet some friends.” Rommel stands and wiggles happily. “Yaaay! Nyu fwiends!” ------------------------------ Daniels and Rommel make their way to the mess hall and as they pass the christmas tree, Rommel again stops to scan the branches for the pickle. “Come on, Rommel. Parties in the kitchen. I know you like looking at the tree but you need to stick close.” Rommel sighs and follows Daniels to the kitchen, Finch, Eckers, Nicks, Peterson and several others stand around a metal counter with a bunch of food set out and slugging homemade hooch. “Daniel’s you made it! I see you still got your shadow!” A round of chuckles pass through the room before Eckers gives him a cup of booze. “Relax man, it’s Christmas! Let’s party!” They laugh and start to unwind, drinking and eating and telling stories. Rommel pays attention for awhile, but his mind keeps drifting back to the pickle. As the group gets more and more lubricated on moonshine, Rommel takes the opportunity to slip away. He exits through the swinging doors and wanders back to the tree. “Wommew know can find magic cwunchy nummy!” The others continue to party and laugh as Rommel squints intently at the tree. Suddenly, he sees a glint of green reflection and gasps. GASP! “Wommew fine magic cwunchy nummy!” The ornament is a few feet up in the tree, buried in the middle. Rommel looks around nervously and chews his lip. “Wommew gun get dat magic nummy!” He moves under the tree and pushes branches aside as he stands and bats at the pickle with an outstretched hoof. He can’t quite reach it and after swallowing his fear, he grabs onto a branch and slowly pulls himself up into the tree. It jiggles and shakes, ornaments clinking as he climbs into the tree with a wobbly purchase. Any common sense or fear of the situation are pushed away from Rommel's mind in his sugar coated mind imagining the power of the magic nummy. “Wommew awmost dewe, come tu Wommew magic cwunchy nummy!” The tree begins to wobble as Rommel clings tight to a branch and waves his hoof in an effort to reach the ornament. Finally, he manages to pull it off and grasps it in his front hooves. “Yaaaay! Wommew did it!” The tree shakes as Rommel wiggles happily and then it comes loose from the screws at the base and topples over. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! OOF! The tree hits the floor and a few ornaments break, Rommel opens his eyes and blinks. “Yay! Wommew am otay and got magic nummy!” Rommel giggles and smiles as he admires the pickle. “Otay magic nummy, Wommew wan pwesent naow. Can haf skettis?” Rommel looks at the ornament hopefully and yet nothing happens, Rommel puffs his cheeks and huffs. “Meanie nummy gif skettis! Wommew find su dat mean yuu gif pwesent!” Again, nothing happens and Rommel starts to get very angry. “Fine! Magic nummy nu gif skettis? Den Wommew num magic nummy!” Rommel bite down on the ornament and it shatters, glass shards piercing his gums. TINK! CRUNCH! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! “Magic nummy gif mouf huwties!” Rommel screams and flails inside the felled tree, breaking more ornaments and being stabbed all over by jagged glass shards. SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! “Nu mowe huwties!” His flailing increases and he kicks his legs, his left hind leg has a large shard of glass protruding from it and he begins slashing at the string of lights until he pierces the insulation. BZZZZZZZZZZZZZT! The glass makes contact with the wire and it sends a jolt through Rommel, He goes wide eyed, arching and clenching his teeth until enough current passes through him to spark his fluff. FWOOF! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! “Buwny huwties!” His brightly colored fluff goes up like a fireball and spreads to the branches as he flails in agony. Fire spreads quickly through the tree as Rommel shakes violently, his skin blistering quickly as he desperately kicks and tries to free himself. His fluff melts at the roots and burns his skin all over, Rommel goes to scream but inhales flames, searing his lungs and choking in agony as fire engulfs his tender little body. ---------------------------------------------------- Daniels and the others are good and drunk by now when Peterson remarks. “Hey, we forgot to do the pickle hunt! Come on, I want that extra present!” They all echo her sentiment and they head back out into the mess hall to begin the hunt when they come across the tree in flames. SHIT! “Get the fire extinguisher!” Eckers and Finch grab the nearest extinguishers as Peterson, Daniels and Nicks beat at the flames with tablecloths until Eckers and Finch deploy the foam. FWOOOOOSSHH!!! The fire is smothered and they cough and wave smoke out of their faces. “What the fuck happened?” Daniels looks around suddenly in a panic. “Oh shit, wheres Rommel?” Peterson grabs some salad tongs and pushes crispy branches aside to uncover a charred and cooked Rommel, his eyes melted out and his skin burnt black. Eckers rushes off to vomit as the others look on horrified, Daniels runs his fingers through his hair and looks on in shock. “I am so fucking court-martialed” END Uploader deadweight, December 24, 2017; 12:49 Tags air-force author:deadweight christmas christmas-tree fire germany holiday hugbox pickle questionable sadbox Source www.youtube.com/watch?v=8LPUir-JXE8 Locked No Parent None Rating Unknown Comments December 24, 2017; 12:50 - Reply deadweight: My present to all of you this holiday season. I hope you all have a good holiday and a happy new year! December 24, 2017; 13:05 - Reply Anonymous1: Wub <3 December 24, 2017; 13:39 - Reply FuzzyTheRed: poor Rommel, was so well behaved till the end. To be fair though the guy should have explained it a bit more that it was an event everyone had to take part of in order to win, and that it was not a magic nummy lol. December 24, 2017; 13:50 - Reply Vanguard: Yeah, impeccable record or not, the Brigadier General had it coming for being a skinflint and not sticking Rommel into a pet vacation centre. December 24, 2017; 14:24 - Reply Anonymous2: @FuzzyTheRed: rommel was well behaved but he was still a fluffy December 24, 2017; 20:38 - Reply Anonymous3: kek December 25, 2017; 20:28 - Reply Anonymous4: Hey, I went to Ramstein! December 26, 2017; 07:04 - Reply Fluffus: @deadweight: Loved it! Really suspenseful in that I kept expecting all kinds of things to go wrong along the way to that horrifying climax.