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Dr. Derange and a Lesson in WTFFFFFFF???

"What is perception?"

"Is it sight?'
"Is it a smell?"
"How about a feeling?"

John stares at his teacher of mysticism blankly. They are both sitting atop mats on their heels, across from one another, hands resting on their thighs. A rustling box shape beneath a beautifully woven tapestry sits between them. Weird child like sighs and whining can be heard from it.

Dr. Derange grabs a metal quill from a fold in his robes and holds it in front of him drawing his attention away from the mystery at their center. "What is this?" He asks plainly.

"A pen..?" John responds now a little unsure of everything.

"Why is it a pen?" He questions lifting his eyebrow and smirking slyly. The perfectly trimmed lines of facial hair rounding his expression curled with humor as well.

"Well... I suppose..." John's eyes look around nervously avoiding eye contact with his teacher while he thought of a good answer to the question. "...that some person made it a long time ago and... named it... then the name just stuck." He murmured staring at the floor before looking up to find an even bigger smile on Dr. Derange's face.

"It just stuck huh?" He snickered. Well it's not the worst answer I've heard but it's even simpler than that. A pen is a pen because we say it is. You and I could decide right now between us that all pens shall be called ducks from this day forward, but the confusion that would arise from such a contract would hardly be worth it. No... a pen is a pen and a duck is a duck because our human perception of the world desires a semblance of order. Language is the scaffolding of that order. This understanding will be the seed that allows you to see the world for what it is and not just what you think it is. Clarity will be the end result of your endeavors here. With this clarity you will be able to begin casting all manner of spells with little danger to yourself and others."

"Danger!?" John exclaimed.

"Well of course. The first lesson of wielding fire is learning how to use it without burning yourself." He answered frankly. "But let's move on."

Dr. Derange flicked his right wrist and pointing with his middle and pointer finger drew an invisible line towards the ceiling. The tapestry on the box lifted into the air and remained motionless, except for the occasional draft, which caused the tassles at it's edges to swing gently. A colorful blue and purple creature, resembling a fat fluffy horse, was curled into a ball inside what must be an invisible cage. John could tell from the surprisingly large balls pointed in his direction it was male. His head was currently hidden under it's front legs. He was shaking violently with fear, and muttering something about a sowwybox and nu wike dawkies.

"What the actual fuck is that thing Derange!?" John started breaking what little composure he had left falling back on his ass in an attempt to distance himself from the strange creature. His outburst caught the creatures attention causing it to jump up and turn facing him.

"Stupi human scawe Gwape! Now give skettis or ow get wowstest sowwy poopies an foweva sweepies!" The creature huffed scowling at him with puffed cheeks.

"Dude! What the fuck!!! It talks!?" John exclaimed unable to handle the insanity of the situation.

"Nu am dude! Am Gwape! Now stupi human get wowstest sowwy poopies fo nu use wight name!" The purple abomination yelled stomping it hooves before turning and releasing an absolutely massive stream of shit. Like an amount of shit a full sized regular horse would have a hard time releasing in one bathroom session. It flew like a chunky javelin right for John's face before veering in mid air up and away. It then looped over the creature's back tracing a ring shape in the air before flowing directly into the creature's mouth. Not a single drop hit John or the ground. Even the creature's brilliant fluff was spared. Every last drop that left his ass flowed through an invisible channel funneled into it's gaping mouth. John's mouth gaped even wider. He stared at the display in complete and udder disbelief combined with pure disgust. Derange just laughed. Laughed so hard he fell on his back holding his stomach. The fluffy shit monster just began vomiting but the puke just formed a water balloon like shape filling an invisible container before being forced right back into it's stomach again. It vomited like this three more times. Derange's laughter only grew with each balloon of sick that filled before recycling back into the miserable creature. Finally after the third stream of vomit returned to it's starting point the fluffy curled into the fetal position hugging it's mouth shut trying to stop the endless puking fits that assaulted him. His body convulsed slightly every couple seconds trying to release yet another stream of vomit. He managed to suppress it long enough for his gag reflex to subside.

"Huuuuuu huuuu... Why poopies nu du wha smawty wan? Huuuuu... Nu taste pwetty... Smawty nu even make sickies wight huuuu huuuuuuu." The pitiful horse blubbered into its blue tail which it hugged tightly remaining curled in a ball.

"Dr. Derange... I don't think I can handle this right now." John stuttered getting to his feet intent on leaving.

"Wait!" Derange said sitting back up from his laughing fits. "You're not gonna let a little horse and some flying shit ruin your whole day are you. Come sit! We'll talk this through. Alright?" He said charismatically inviting John to sit in his original position pointing with an upturned open palm. The fluffy remained curled up whimpering still broken from what occurred as John returned to his seat. He stared at the floor questions racing through his mind the biggest now being a question of his sanity.

"You have questions... I can see it on your face." He explained maintaining the charasmatic air in his voice. "Well don't be shy John."

John looked up at Derange an uncomfortable expression plain on his face. "What... the fuck... is that thing, and what just happened to it?"

"Well the quick answer is I found it, and what you just witnessed was a spell I developed. This creature called a fluffy, came from a version of our world with a more developed knowledge of genetics. So it's a chimera of sorts. A fusion of horse, various rodents, and even bird dna. The horn on this one's head was actually an accident during their development that they managed to reproduce and refine, creating unicorn like versions. Some of them even have benign wings. The fountain of shit you saw is actually a disgusting defence mechanism. When threatened or even mildly agitated they will shoot streams of shit at the source of their frustrations. The spell I cast funnels any bodily fluids it ejects right into it's own mouth making an otherwise filthy creature incredibly clean. This one in particular ruined my favorite set of robes when I wandered too close. Not the best of introductions to these creatures. That is actually what got it in this position as a test dummy for new students. He also doubles as a comedy relief for me. But trust me when I say this. He deserves everything that's coming to him and worse."

"Alright... well... what are we doing with it then?" John asked his doubts only partially satisfied.

"We are going to turn lead into gold John." Derange said dramatically spreading his arms for effect.

John just looked at him a serious expression drilling into Derange's forehead.

"Geez kid... you gotta lighten up... I've defended Earth from monsters with better senses of humor than you." He chuckled sarcastically. John's blank expression remained unchanged. "Alright! You win! We are going to practice a visualization technique combined with a transfiguration spell. I'm going to need to you visualize an object that you are very familiar with. Something close to you emotionally would be easier. Then using the gesture techniques we've been practicing I want you to cast a spell that will turn this fluffy into a replica of that object. Easy enough right!?" He punctuated the end of his explanation by clapping his hands together excited. "Well... whenever your ready!" He said rubbing his hands together. After a couple moments of this he snapped his fingers and the tapestry covered the invisible box again. The fluffy began whining more intensely.

John knew exactly what to visualize. It was an old family heirloom passed down to him from his grandmother. A beautifully crafted and maintained lamp made of ivory and bronze. The lampshade was made of stained silk which painted the light that passed through it with a rainbow of intricate patterns and colors. He constructed the lamp in his mind building as clear an image as he could then waved his hands in front of him focusing his intentions on the fluffy underneath the tapestry. The dimensional contract was sealed as he clapped his hands together.

"Urk... aaaack... Shclerrrrrreeeeeeeee... eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!" Came from underneath the tapestry.

Oh my God! John thought. What had he done! Using the same hand gestures he had before Derange lifted the tapestry into the air. The terrifying abomination of nature revealed from underneath it scarred John in that instant. The fluffy's body itself had been molded into a replica of a lamp. It's hooves had been flattened out like pizza slices forming a round base while it's spine and rib cage had been molded into the body of the lamp leading up to the bulb. The bulb flickered erratically giving off a blood red light from underneath the lampshade which looked like the original fluffies head but stretched over a parasol. An eye hanging from a string of nerves and blood vessels dangled where the pull string would be. It's mouth and remaining eye, next to an empty socket, sorrounded the peak which was the fluffy's nose stretched into a point. It's fluff and skin was stretched over the surface like some kind of Frankensteinesque patchwork of his worst nightmares. Derange's spell was still active and the fluffy's shit, piss and blood now with too little room to fit inside the fluffy pooled out from underneath the base before corkscrewing around the lamp into the air. Once the slurry of horrors reached a height of about one foot above the lamp it poured into the fluffies mouth in a straight line giving a steady supply of the fluid to pour back out from underneath the base. The fluffy had become a lamp that Cthulhu himself would have been proud to have sitting on his nightstand. John looked at his creation dumbstruck the horror obvious on his face.

"Hey kid. When I asked you to lighten up... this is not what I meant!" Derange said cracking up before falling on his back sinking into another fit of laughter. John slowly got up and left the room his face white and blank of expression. Derange just kept laughing as the fluffy continued to sputter and scream somehow still alive as it was steadily fed and refed a slurry of its own guts and excrement.
Uploader TheSquirmening,
Tags blood horror piss shit smarty strange text thesquirmening weird weirdbox wtf
Source
Unknown
Locked No
Parent None
Rating Explicit

Comments


- Reply
RQ: now that's some weird shit indeed
- Reply
FluffyIQ: Huh.
- Reply
Anonymous1: Weird box at its finest...
- Reply
Researcher_7201: Dame this is unique I've never read a story like it!
- Reply
NottooFluf2: Weirdbox? Where? This is just cool magic and justice applied to a smarty, nothing weird
- Reply
TheSquirmening: @RQ: Indeeeeed! Thanks for reading.
- Reply
TheSquirmening: @Anonymous: Thanks. I love writing about crazy stuff like this. Most of my other stuff is off the wall too lol
- Reply
TheSquirmening: @Researcher_7201: Part of the reason I've started writing stuff here is because I wanted to read something I've never read on fluffybooru lmao.
- Reply
TheSquirmening: @NottooFluf2: Right you are!