author:JimProfit bad_poopies bath commercial crying flufftv

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Nu Mowe Huu-Huus Shampoo
by
JimProfit

----

Dave was used to shrill noises whenever FluffTV was on. For the most part he was able to tune out while Hazel, his light brown and green unicorn, sat next to him on the couch and watched the insanity. Sure, she'd talk to him. Really, it's more like she was talking at him. She'd babble on about whatever stupid shit was happening on the screen, and Dave would just nod and go "oh, neat" and "uh huh" while he scrolled through Reddit on his phone.

It's not like he didn't give her attention; he set aside an hour a day to play with her and made sure to give her lots of hugs. He spent time talking to her before work, and he tucked her into her little nest-bed every night. He loved her. Really. He just needed some fucking time to himself every now and then. Hazel wasn't ever going to give him peace and quiet unless she was asleep, and of COURSE she made sure to sleep ALL day so that she'd be well-rested when he got home from work. From the moment he walked in the door to the moment he went to bed it was just nonstop chatter.

He couldn't bring himself to punish her for being excited, loving and talkative. All she wanted was for her daddy to pay attention to her. It was programmed into her little idiot brain. So he'd figured out a compromise, and this was it. Let her get lost in the TV and mutter a few words back to her every now and then, and she'd never figure out that he wasn't actively paying attention to her. Win-win.

Some things were easier to tune out than others. As much as he hated to admit it, he actually kind of enjoyed some of the shows where fluffies had to suffer because of their own stupidity. He hated "Babies!" but he kind of enjoyed some of the game shows, like "Dats Poopies!" and "Wheel of Nummies." He also liked "Strays" because, although really violent at times, it had been very educational for Hazel. It was one thing when he told her that running away was a bad idea, but when he SHOWED her what running away caused? It really seemed to drive the point home.

The commercials, though. Fuck. He'd learned to tune most of them out, too. But every now and then there would be one that pierced right through his skull.

Like this one. "Oh, fuck," he mumbled as he heard the familiar opening tones.

----

"FLUFFY OWNERS!" the cheerful voice shouted. "Do YOUR fluffies find themselves getting into all sorts of trouble? Messy, SMELLY trouble?"

The camera pans to a purple and blue pegasus who looks completely ashamed. "Daddeh, fwuffy haf scaredy poopies an peepees, nu smeww pwetty." His back end is completely covered in shit and, as he swishes his tail, little bits of shit fly off in different directions.

"Oh no!" the announcer says. "Looks like that fluffy needs a BATH!"

The pegasus looks up and looks terrified. "Nuuuuu, fwuffy nu wan baffies! Wawa am bad fo fwuffies! Nuuuuuuu!"

The camera pans to the pegasus sitting in a sink full of water, looking even more miserable. A hand comes into view, holding a bottle. The camera lingers on the label:

GENERIC FLUFFY SHAMPOO

Someone is lathering up the pegasus while the announcer talks. "Most fluffy shampoos aren't friendly at all to your little fluffy's eyes. Remember, your little fluffy is fragile, and you know what happens when their see-places get irritated!"

The pegasus has been struggling. On cue, some of the soapy water splashes into its eyes. It immediately completely loses its mind.

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! DADDEH! SEE-PWACES HAF WOWSTEST HUWTIES! SCREEEEEEEE DADDEH STAWP PWEASE NUUU NUUUU SCREEEEEEEEE! HUU HUU HUUUUUUUU HUU HUU HUUUUUUU!" It dissolves into a sobbing mess as the hands try frantically to wash the fluffy's eyes and relieve the pain.

"Oh no!" the announcer says. "Look what regular fluffy shampoo does to poor, poor fluffies!"

The camera pans to a sequence of fluffies, each of them in sinks, each of them being bathed, each of them with suds in their eyes. All of them are screaming.

"SCREEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"DADDEH NUUUU NUUUUUUUU EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HUU HUU HUUHUUUUUUUU!"

"SCREEEEEEEEE DADDEH HEWP FWUFFY! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

"NUUUU NUUUUUUUUUU SEE-PWACES HAF BUWNIE HUWTIES! SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"

After a good ten seconds of essentially non-stop screaming, the announcer asks his rhetorical question. "You have to bathe your fluffy! What's a good owner to do? The answer is simple! Buy NU MOWE HUU-HUUS SHAMPOO!"

A bottle fills the screen. The label features a smiling, lathered-up fluffy giving a hoofs-up gesture. The label, and the banner underneath, both say NU MOWE HUU-HUUS SHAMPOO!

The camera pans to the original purple and blue pegasus, getting lathered up with the new shampoo. It still seems hesitant, and it flinches when the person bathing it intentionally flicks soapy water into its eyes. But it doesn't scream or cry out at all, and it doesn't seem to be incredibly upset.

"How'd that feel, buddy?" the bather asks.

"Fwuffy...fwuffy am otay. See-pwaces nu am huwties. Fank yu, daddeh. Fwuffy smeww pwetty nao?"

"You sure do!" the bather says "Now you can save that screaming and crying for when I sorry-stick you into oblivion for taking a dump all over the couch!"

"Wai, wha daddeh?" the fluffy asks, confused and horrified. "Daddeh gon huwt fwu..."

The camera pans back to a bottle of NU MOWE HUU-HUUS SHAMPOO, with a bunch of logos beneath it - Amazon, FluffMart, and Pets R' Us.

"NU MOWE HUU-HUUS SHAMPOO!" the announcer said. "A delicate solution to your delicate, filthy fluffies! Find it wherever fine fluffy supplies are sold!"

----

I don't understand why all that fucking screaming is necessary, Dave thought to himself.

"Daddeh!" Hazel said, throwing herself on his lap, rolling over on her back and looking up at him. "Dats da stuff daddeh haf fo Hazew bafftime!"

"Yeah, only the best for you," Dave muttered. "I just wish their commercials were a little less horrible."

"Daddeh wuv Hazew?" With those huge brown eyes, full of innocence and co-dependence.

"You know daddy loves you, Hazel."

"Hazew wuv daddeh," she said, cooing as she rubbed her head against his arm. He reached down and rubbed her belly, making her giggle.

"Coming up next," the FluffTV announcer said. "Every fluffy's favorite show - BABIES!"

Hazel gasped, looked at the screen, then looked back up at Dave.

"DADDEH! AM BABBEHS! HAZEL WUV BABBEHS, WAN BABBEHS, WAN BE BESTEST..."

Goddammit.
Uploader JimProfit,
Tags author:JimProfit bad_poopies bath commercial crying flufftv
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Comments


- Reply
JimProfit: Another FluffTV commercial. I'm tempted to write up a game show, too. I've started on the next chapter for Rosemary, I swear.
- Reply
The_Neutralist: :)
- Reply
Anonymous1: you need to write about a fluffTV commercial about having fluffies fixed. let's see how hazel responds to that.

- Reply
JimProfit: @Anonymous: Maybe the government requires them to run PSAs about getting fluffies fixed. That's a really good idea. Hmm...
- Reply
Anonymous2: Should show hazel some anti fluffy breeding propaganda to get her to stop wanting babies
- Reply
Anonymous3: I'm trying to think what one could do with commercials based on trying to stamp out alicorn and brown fluffy discrimination, especially in regards to mares who are pregnant or whose owners would allow them to be pregnant.

- Reply
JimProfit: @Anonymous: I've actually been thinking about that for my Rosemary story. I feel like it's probably something that they cover in "Babies!" pretty often, especially given how valuable alicorns are. But I'm thinking that the government requires them to run a certain number of PSAs a day after Cleveland happened. So they'd probably run both of those and consider them part of their PSA requirement as an "anti-cruelty" thing.

- Reply
RQ: @Anonymous: I did a series on that once. https://www.fluffybooru.com/post/list/artist%3Arq%20flufftv%20psa/1 In my headcanon, A neutralbox Fluffy owners group called FOAL sued FluffTV for the hardships caused to owners, fluffies, and the public by wanton encouragement of "BABBEHS" in mares without educational programming to balance it. I just seems like a logical thing that would have to happen if FluffTV gained a reputation for encouraging bad behavior in fluffies. With ferals infesting the streets it's not something the public should have to tolerate either.

- Reply
JimProfit: @RQ: That is great stuff. Love it.